House Hunting Shows
After spending part of Sunday afternoon with Mrs. Larry watching a few of those HGTV shows about rich people looking for their log cabin / beach front / lake view /tiny house (you know the ones where the husband raises squirrels in the back yard and the wife bakes cookies to sell to the neighborhood and their budget is $500K), I thought we need a show more tailored to a different crowd. I’m going to pitch this to the networks:
Welcome to the first episode of Mississippi House Hunters
Announcer: “This week on Mississippi House Hunters we follow Jim Bob and Bobbi Sue as they look for a new home. They are 3 months behind in rent on their current trailer so they’re trying to find another one before they get kicked out. It has to be one where the owner doesn’t check credit.”
“Jim Bob works at the local chicken plant and Bobbi Sue is a stay at home mom, selling Avon (and a little crystal meth) part time to help out. Their budget is around $100 a week. They have 5 kids (all Jim Bob’s except for the middle one), so they need at least two bedrooms.”
The Garden View
“The first one we show them is a 1985 model in a trailer park on the outskirts of town. It sits on a tenth of an acre lot which is mostly dirt so there’s not much grass to cut.”
Jim Bob: “This is pretty nice. It already has a couple of whitewashed tires in the yard we can use to plant flowers in.”
Bobbi Sue: “I like that. The problem I see is that the neighbors are kinda close, and you know how loud you get when you’ve been drinkin’.”
JB: “Yeah, and you can get pretty loud when we’re doin’ it too. I remember the time someone called the cops thinkin’ I was beatin’ on you.”
BS: “But it does have a couple of nice trees in the backyard. Maybe you can run a clothesline for me so I won’t have to spend money on dryin’ clothes at the laundromat.”
JB: “It’s a possibility, we’ll keep it in mind.”
Picnic in the Park
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Announcer: “Next we show them a more recent model. A 1998 double wide in a nicer park. It’s sitting on a slightly larger lot so the other trailers aren’t so close. This one is $150 per week, which is more than their original budget but we wanted to show them what a little more money could get.”
BS: “Wow, baby. We’ve never lived in a place as fancy as this. Three bedrooms so we can finally separate the boys from the girls.”
JB: “And we can finally get the 3 year old out of our bed.”
BS: “Yeah, remember that time she woke up when I was givin’ you a blo…”
Announcer: “Ahem, as you can see, this one has two bathrooms and a nice kitchen with washer and dryer connections.”
BS: “Jim Bob, will you rent me a washer and dryer?”
JB: “I don’t know baby, this place is way more than we are used to payin’. We would have to really cut back.”
BS: “Well, you could could cut buying scratch off lottery tickets.”
JB: “Darlin’ that’s for our retirement”
BS: “Look, it has a cable spool picnic table in the back yard. That would be great for entertaining.”
JB: “Entertaining? The only person that ever comes over is your brother, and that’s only to borry money.”
Daddy, we’re home
Announcer: “Finally we show them a 1980 model. This one isn’t in a trailer park, it’s sitting in a field off the main highway.”
“Now this is something different. It isn’t for rent, but the owner will finance it for you with a small down payment and only 27% interest. Payments would be around $350 a month for 10 years.”
BS: “We could put it in Daddy’s yard!”
JB: “Maybe. We need to make sure it locks up real good so he won’t be stealin’ my beer.”
BS: “It’s in pretty good shape, floors ain’t fallin’ in or nothin’.”
JB: “And we could move it any time we wanted to. We’ll think about it.”
The decision
Announcer: “We let Jim Bob and Bobbi Sue go think about what they want to do. They head to the 7-11 to get a couple of 40 ounces and sit on the curb while they make their decision.”
BS: “Well, that first one is right in our budget, although it is just like the one we’re in now.”
JB: “Yeah, I was hopin’ to upgrade just a little. Plus the neighbors ARE mighty close”
BS: “What do you think about that last one we saw?”
JB: “It’s cheaper although we would have to make sure we save some money each week to make that monthly payment, plus it’s kinda old, but I was just thinkin’ that in 10 years we could finally have a home of our own, no more rent and we could save up some money to buy a little land to put it on.”
BS: “Yeah, but know my heart is set on that second one. What do you think?”
JB: “I really like it, but I’m not sure about that payment.”
BS: “Well, we’re in a new area so maybe I can get some more customers.”
JB: “And hopefully I won’t get passed over for that 3rd shift assistant supervisor position this year. What the hell, let’s do it!”
BS: (grabbing and hugging Jim Bob) “Thank you! You’ll get something special later.”
JB: “You mean we’ll finally get to have that threes…”
Announcer: “So Jim Bob and Bobbi Sue picked the home of their dreams. We’ll check back in a few months to see if they’ve been able to keep up with the rent this time.”
Next up
“Next week we’ll visit with Carol Ann who is a single mom with 3 kids (different daddys) as she tries to find a mobile home so she can finally move out of the one she and her latest shack up live in before he burns it down from cooking meth. See ya next week on South Mississippi House Hunters.”